Works in Progress #8: Crazy Uncle

I AM WRITING IN ALL CAPS AND IN BOLD. CAN YOU IMAGINE ME SPEAKING LOUDLY WITH NO INFLECTION? I CAN. BELOW, PLEASE FIND THE LYRICS TO THE SONG “CRAZY UNCLE” — SONG THREE OF OUR FORTHCOMING CONCEPT DOUBLE-ALBUM TENTATIVELY TITLED “JOURNEY OF THE HERO: JUMBO-JET WHISPERS & THUNDER-LIZARD SERENADES.” INITIATE LYRIC TEXT IN 3…2…1…

He’s mixing margaritas (it’s not even noon)

It’s not even eleven (but it will be soon)

He’s not your dad — he’s your crazy uncle.

He asks, “Hey, what’s the matter?” (“The pool’s closed, man.”)

He waves you and your friends (to his Econoline van)

With the moon-shaped windows — he’s your crazy uncle.

Shake and bake, yeah.

To the lake, yeah.

They’re calling him “Presidente” (and fetching him beer)

The girls in bikinis (are whispering in his ear)

He’s a golden god — he’s your crazy uncle.

He’s holding court like a pagan priest behind a wall of flame.

His sunburnt congregation sings when he starts to play…

The you-ka-lay-lay.

Oooo La-di-da (Oh hi-di-hey) Carry forth (Lay-lady-lay) My wayward son (My crazy uncle)

Oooo La-di-da (Oh hi-di-hey) Carry forth (Lay-lady-lay) My wayward son (My crazy uncle)

When you’re out there feeling so all alone,

You probably are, so remember the things that you were shown.

Crazy is the one thing that you can own.

Travel light and don’t carry dead weight:

Bring only what you need.

Sharpen your wits, don’t you dare be late,

Because nothing is guaranteed.

___

Hold my calls…

I’m much too busy polishing the balls on an equestrian statue of Andrew Jackson’s horse.

If you know what I mean.

Things aren’t always quite as they seem,

and so we say, “Thank God.”

___

Oooo La-di-da (Oh hi-di-hey) Carry forth (Lay-lady-lay) My wayward son (My crazy uncle)

Oooo La-di-da (Oh hi-di-hey) Carry forth (Lay-lady-lay) My wayward son (My crazy uncle)

Oooo La-di-da (Oh hi-di-hey) Carry forth (Lay-lady-lay) My wayward son (My crazy uncle)

All of this particular material is copyrighted ©2013 Jeff Nelson.

 

Works in Progress #3

Everybody has a crazy uncle. And if not an actual crazy uncle, then at least a “crazy uncle.” Ten-four?

“Hold my calls.

I’m polishing the balls…

…On an equestrian statue of Andrew Jackson’s horse —

If you know what I mean.

Things aren’t always quite as they seem.

Thank God.

Thank God.

Thank God almighty I can see myself in the gleam.”

What in the hell does that even mean? I don’t know, but I do remember hearing a story about how the freshmen at some college or military school would traditionally polish the testicles on one of the horse statues on campus, which struck me as brilliantly subversive. It’s not vandalism — it’s bringing something completely natural to light but makes it ludicrous by pulling it out of context without hurting anybody or anything. And that is the perfect joke: refulgent, gleaming, sparkling horse balls for all to see.

“Crazy Uncle” is a song about the people I know who are fortunate enough to see life like this as their default setting — people who can perform these feats of inversion and subversion while making others vaguely uncomfortable. It’s also about a magical blender and a gym bag full of mystical talismans, but that is neither here not there.

Happy December,

Jeff

 

All of this particular material is copyrighted ©2011 Jeff Nelson.