"I'll stick my fingers in your nose holes;

I'll stick my fingers in your nose.

I'll stick my fingers in your nose holes,

Jam my thumb in your eye,

Tear off your skull and go bowling for souls."

I sing this to myself while I'm driving. A lot.

"Hold my calls.

I'm polishing the balls...

...On an equestrian statue of Andrew Jackson's horse --

If you know what I mean.

Things aren't always quite as they seem.

Thank God.

Thank God.

Thank God almighty I can see myself in the gleam."

What in the hell does that even mean? I don't know, but I do remember hearing a story about how the freshmen at some college or military school would traditionally polish the testicles on one of the horse statues on campus, which struck me as brilliantly subversive. It's not vandalism -- it's bringing something completely natural to light but makes it ludicrous by pulling it out of context without hurting anybody or anything. And that is the perfect joke: refulgent, gleaming, sparkling horse balls for all to see.

"Crazy Uncle" is a song about the people I know who are fortunate enough to see life like this as their default setting -- people who can perform these feats of inversion and subversion while making others vaguely uncomfortable. It's also about a magical blender and a gym bag full of mystical talismans, but that is neither here not there.

Happy December,

Jeff

All of this particular material is copyrighted ©2011 Jeff Nelson.

So, being Thanksgiving, we had some dishes that needed washing. I managed to tie together one of my songs that had a lot of neat parts, but lacked any semblance of flow. This is a problem that must plague more people than just me because my attention span is that o...squirrel!

"Sweet Potato Pie" is about sweet potatoes prepared in the holiest of food vehicles: the pie crust. Food inside of food. If Lao-Tzu ever ate a homemade apple pie (especially one from the America's Test Kitchen Cookbook) he never would have spouted off the Tao te Ching -- he would have drawn a pie.

"Who wants sweet potatoes?

I want some sweet potato pie,

With marshmallows piled five miles high.

I might regret it,

But probably not.

When you've got a sweet potato pie,

You've got to love what you've got."

And on some level, isn't that what it's all about? The awesomeness of a perfect pie? It's a rhetorical question.

I've been thinking about unicorns lately. This is from "Kill a Unicorn." I double-dog dare you to guess what it's about.

"You don't have to be smart,

Don't have to be well-bred,

You can try to make fire

With the rocks inside your head.

Don't curse the day you were born;

It's time to take life by the horn.

Hey ho, let's go kill a unicorn."

Do you have a daughter? Do not sing this song gently to her as she nods off to sleep. Hope you had a lovely Thanksgiving.

- Jeff

All of this particular material is copyrighted ©2011 Jeff Nelson.

Permanent flip-flop tan lines are a sign that you're doing something right.

Your screws are not too loose; your screws are not too tight.

Don't be mad at me because I figured it out -- I don't want to fight.

A lot of my songs have the word "flip-flop" in them, which leads me to believe that I have spent an inordinate amount of time this past decade looking &/or thinking about my feet and my choice of footwear. This is a welcome diversion as most of the songs I write are either about food or animals (sometimes, when serendipity intervenes, the songs are about food AND animals). Speaking of food, I had a dream that I was on a pontoon boat wearing a fur coat, and eating tapioca that was coming out of a beer keg. That dream was much better than the one I keep having about the millipedes. That's another song for another night. Where was I? Here's a snippet from the bridge of a song called "Firefly." It's about Our Hero who falls in love with an(other) arsonist and his all-consuming worry that she won't love him if he gives up his life of matches and gasoline.

Jumbo jet whispers and thunder lizard serenades

And other things that chase away the blues --

Like sitting on my couch watching "Dog the Bounty Hunter,"

Just trying to get through February -- without pills and booze

While remembering that the second best revenge is living well.

Just after torching his Escalade and telling his kids that he can burn.

In hell.

Well isn't that a happy slice? Would you like some ice cream with that? Thank you and have a lovely evening.

-Jeff

All of this particular material is copyrighted ©2011 Jeff Nelson

It actually doesn't really matter and has nothing to do with the video. This Happy Annie video started out as a joke -- mostly a joke. Then it became funnier. Then funnier still and then finally at last, it wasn't funny. It was dumb but then that made it funny again.

The End

-B Ryce

*B Ryce would like to thank the following persons of being a person or not a person for their contributions(generally and specifically)
YouTube
iMovie
OS X Lion
Robyn
Harold Gray
Aileen Quinn

2. "Little Dog" was actually a song that was made up to remember the opening "Winter of discontent" soliloquy in "Richard III," but was later changed when I discovered that not even Shakespeare can compete with the sudden realization that a Chihuahua is trying to talk to me. Through the TV screen.

3. Does the following quotation refer to Jonathon's beard or the mighty Musk Ox?

"The outer hairs, called guard hairs, cover a second, shorter undercoat that provides additional insulation in winter. This undercoat falls out when temperatures climb at winter's end."

If you said, "both," you are correct.

4. Jay is pretty much the German Lenny Kravitz.

5. Keyboardist Dan Frost once had a personal valet named Dan Arlig and bass player Dan Arlig once had a scullery maid named Dan Frost. Believe it, or not!

6. I truly and honestly don't remember what the song "Happy" is about, but Paul and I laughed so hard at the end of it that I may have disrupted abdominal scar tissue from stomach surgery I had four years ago. So that laughter you hear at the end is completely genuine and is now causing me continuous, low-grade pain. The things we do for art.

7. As a horn section, we recorded everything on the album in precisely one take. It took maybe 42 minutes. Tops. Eric, having foreseen this utter mastery, brought along all of the ingredients and equipment to make miniature creme brulees for all who were present. Bryce crafted delightful little spun sugar birds' nests for the top of each dessert. It was the perfect end to a magical evening.

It was a 35 pack because the cans are all different sizes and have other beers logos on them. It actually only comes in a beat up suitcase and you have to ask for it at the checkout. But hey can't complain when it's only $1.99