Following an intense training camp, 3 Minute Hero has released its starting summer line-up. Once again, the front office has made it abundantly clear that it’s “winning” strategy will rely heavily on disarmingly good looks, smarm, and witchcraft. Most of 2011’s team is present, minus Frenchmen Daniel Jean-Claude Batiste Bounaparte de Balzac Arlig who was unceremoniously deported back to his home country following an unfortunate incident with the TSA regarding his side job as a “cheese mule.” “I will never look at a wheel of Brie in quite the same way,” said starting 1st trombone player Eric Johnson. Replacing Mssr. Arlig on bass guitar is a familiar face to long-time fans of the team, Mr. Jason Hoffman. “I’m excited to be back,” said the clearly unexcited Mr. Hoffman before adding, “Don’t mention in your article that I am currently naked and preparing a stew made of foraged nuts and squirrel meat.”
1. Jonathon TeBeest – 1b – drums
2. Bryce Blilie – lf – trumpet
3. Jay Jayder Kalk – c – guitar/vox
4. Paul Gronert – cf – saxaphone/science
5. Dan Frost – 2b – keys
6. Jeff Nelson – rf – 2nd trombone/lead vox
7. Jason Hoffman – ss – bass
8. Eric Johnson – 3b – 1st trombone
9. Bob Graff – dh
Before training camp began, Dan Frost announced that this summer season would be his last with the group stating that, “I hate all of these assholes with the intensity of a billion exploding suns.” Mr. Frost’s number will be retired following his last show at Captain’s Getaway. 3 Minute Hero’s summer season consists of one home show at Patrick’s on 3rd in St. Peter, MN on Thursday 14 June followed by two away shows at Captain’s Getaway on Friday 15 June and Saturday 16 June. respectively. Captain’s Getaway is located somewhere in Iowa. Depending on who you ask, it’s either in Arnold’s Park, Spirit Lake, Okoboji, or “The Outer Rim.”
A 3 Minute Hero spokesperson said, “Please remember to bring your own ibuprofen and multivitamins, as the band is no longer allowed to chew and regurgitate these items into the mouths of audience members, thanks to the egregious ‘Eric’s Law’ which was passed in Minnesota and Iowa last year in response to this popular intermission activity.” The spokesperson said something intelligible regarding free speech, hurled a superball-sized pellet at the ground, and promptly disappeared into the resulting cloud of glitter and confectioner’s sugar.
I’m so sure that I didn’t misspell anything that I’m not even going to spell check this.